The Greatest Insults Part I: The Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks
This mini-article is one small piece of a much larger article about insults and profanity. This short series includes three excerpts I deemed valuable enough to stand on their own. But, if you want everything all in one place, go here.
Otherwise:
READ PART II: MARK TWAIN WAS AN ASSHOLE
READ PART III: SOME OF THE BEST POLITICAL BURNS
The Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks
Perhaps my favorite bit of hate mail ever, the Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks is actually the title of a famous painting showing the raucous drafting of a semi-legendary letter sent as a bold response to a demand for military surrender.
The mid and late 17th century wasn’t especially fun for just about anyone living in Eastern Europe, the Pontic Steppe, or the planet Earth, really. It was a bad few centuries for pretty much everyone. Everyone was at war with everyone else. Everyone died of combat injuries, disease, childbirth, or starvation, and life was generally just not fun at all.
Allegedly, in 1676, when the Ottoman Empire, which had occupied land west of the Dnieper River in what is now Ukraine, was busy violently expanding its already massive borders, they ended up losing a battle to the Zaporozhian Cossacks who lived “across the river”.
Despite his relatively heavy loss, the exceedingly ballsy Ottoman Sultan Mehmet IV had a letter written and sent to the Zaporozhian Cossacks demanding their unconditional surrender and subjugation. It went something like this:
As the Sultan; son of Muhammad; brother of the sun and moon; grandson and viceroy of God; ruler of the kingdoms of Macedonia, Babylon, Jerusalem, Upper and Lower Egypt; emperor of emperors; sovereign of sovereigns; extraordinary knight, undefeated; steadfast guardian of the tomb of Jesus Christ; steward chosen by God himself; the hope and comfort of Muslims; confounder and great defender of Christians – I command you, the Zaporozhian Cossacks, to submit to me voluntarily and without resistance, and to desist from troubling me with your attacks.
-Turkish Sultan Mehmed IV
Humble.
In any case, the Zaporozhians weren’t into surrendering. Having none of it, the Cossacks are said to have written a letter I’m sure none of their grandmothers would have approved of. Cossack military leader Ivan Sirko, the guy with the pipe in the painting below, artfully sat down with his buddies and a few casks of vodka, a quill and got to work, replying:
O Sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil’s kith and kin, assistant to Lucifer himself. What the Devil kind of knight are thou, that canst not slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou shalt not, thou son of a whore, make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee. Fuck thy mother.1
Thou Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig’s snout, mare’s arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!
So the Zaporozhians declare you to be a lowlife. You won’t even be herding pigs for Christians. Now we’ll conclude, for we don’t know the date and don’t own a calendar; the moon’s in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day’s the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!
– Koshovyi otaman Ivan Sirko, and the entire Zaporozhian Host.
Sick burn, bro.
Unfortunately, it is not 100% conclusive that this reply actually was penned by Ivan Sirko, or written by the Zaporozhian Host at all. The original, if there was one, has not been found. The letter we have was written down in the 18th century. Towards the end of the 19th century, Russian painter Ilya Repin fell in love with this letter, as I now have, and created the painting below.2
But regardless of whether or not the story behind it is true, someone wrote it, and it’s still scathing.
Needless to say, the war didn’t end that day.
Honorable mention:
“Russian Warship, Go Fuck Yourself.”
Read Part II: The Greatest Insults Part II: Mark Twain was an Asshole
Read Part III: Some of the Best Political Burns
Apex-editor of Languages Around the Globe, collector of linguists, regaler of history, accidental emmigrant, serial dork and English language mercenary and solutions fabricator. All typos are my own.
